Frankie Says Relax

I've always had a tough time letting things go. I can relax - but in the back of my mind, thoughts sit. Sometimes for days, weeks or even years.

When I became a mom, it intensified. The 'what ifs' became paralyzing and panic inducing worry. I'm a planner by nature so to have this bundle of energy bouncing around whom I wanted to shield from harm was a tough life lesson.

I used to have a boss that would recite the AA Prayer for Serenity. You know the one - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and so on...

I have finally learned what it means.

It means that any mistakes I have made in past will always be there and I cannot change them. All I can do is learn from them and do my best not to repeat them.

It means that I am not perfect and never will be. So I should allow myself to just be.

It means that I will never have total control. I should just focus on what I can control and not obsess over what I can't.

It means that all things, good and bad, are possible. The important question to ask is if they are probable and gain a little perspective on those stressful situations.

I will likely battle anxiety all my life, but with the help of a great therapist, friends and family, I have taken a step back to evaluate how I want to live my life, grow my career and enjoy my family.

Just relax.

Go Back in Time

Most of my recurring dreams involve being back in the one bedroom basement apartment my mom and I shared until I was 12. I can recall all the little details, like the original brown rug over the cement floor and the scary storage room off my bedroom.

I also dream about being back in high school, retaking my OACs to get better marks, even though I've already completed university. This includes me forgetting my lock to claim one of the coveted lockers in the music wing on the first day of school.

I often wonder why I go back to these times in my life to relive different memories. I know there is nothing that I can do to change what has happened in the past, so I wonder if my subconscious tries to go back to satisfy the perfectionist that lives deep within me.

I'm able to remember everything so vividly, like it's seared into my brain and I wonder, will Lucas have these same memories? Will there be stuff that he won't forget, or worse, forgive?

Nevermind I will have to explain to him what OACs are.