What to Expect - Not What I Was Expecting

I had the opportunity to see a sneak preview of What to Expect When You're Expecting this week thanks to Church and Dwight Canada and First Response. I took a dear friend and neighbour who is currently on maternity leave with her second child. It was a child-free night, filled with popcorn and root beer. Truly decadent.

Once we arrived at the theatre, she asked me if I was going to be okay with the subject matter. For some women, it can be difficult to be around all that pregnancy especially after their own loss. To be honest, I hadn't even thought about it. Maybe that means I've finally moved on - never forgetting but not allowing it to bring me down. When our loss happened, I was surrounded by different pregnancy announcements and births, and though we were sad, I was happy for everyone we knew that was given the chance to have the joy we have with Lucas.

The movie itself was not what I was expecting. How do you do an adaptation on a book that's not fiction, but a guide to pregnancy?

It looked at pregnancy through many different eyes. Some reviews have attacked it saying it was a bunch of cliches, but to me, it mirrored a variety of experiences that women/couples have. If you don't want spoilers, LOOK AWAY NOW!



One couldn't conceive and was going through the adoption process.

One lost her baby.

One idealized pregnancy only to have it be a hellish ride.

One hardly gained weight and had a seamless nine months.

One tried to control the pregnancy and not let it control her life.



When I look at my circle of friends, I have witnessed or experienced each one of these states. So it wasn't a bunch of cliches, but a glimpse that pregnancy is an individual experience. No two pregnancies are alike.

It was also funny. It may only be funny to those that have gone through it, but it was funny nonetheless? Chris Rock is a highlight.

My reaction was also not what I was expecting. After two hours of watching pregnancies and babies, I wasn't sad, but excited to go on that ride again whenever that may be. Likely when I least expect it.

Mixed Feelings

I hadn't intended on writing a blog post today. I only write when a particular topic strikes me, or I feel inspired. However, I stumbled across an article this morning that I couldn't ignore.

Being the pop culture junkie that I am, in addition to my daily check of news sites, I also check out People and Us Weekly online. I don't follow the Kardashian clan closely, save for the articles in these magazines. I don't watch their TV shows on E! and I didn't tune into the wedding (or the beginning of the end in some cases).

Kourtney Kardashian announced her pregnancy - and she is only nine weeks along. In her words, "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

I too felt confident before. Having had a seamless conception and pregnancy with Lucas, when we got pregnant the second time, we didn't really wait to tell immediate family our news. Who would've imagined in the same week we would share equally heartbreaking news?

So I feel nervous for her. Nervous for this woman that I have never met and am not invested in. Nervous that she trumpeted her pregnancy to the world (and in print reaching 13.1 million readers per week), only because I know how quickly things can go wrong.

I can appreciate her excitement. I can appreciate the elation that one feels. But I also appreciate that no matter how "confident" one can feel, this is something out of a person's control.

So Kourtney, though I wouldn't have done the same in your position, I wish you well.

And In Other News...

It’s taken me about a long time to find the words to write this post. For more than a year, I’ve shared my struggles and successes as a mom on this blog. Never in a million years did I think I’d be in the position I am now.

The day after I resigned my position (see last post), we learned I was pregnant again. We cried with happiness and were relieved that, like with Lucas, it didn’t take long to get pregnant. We began to plan, hope, dream, debate names – all the good stuff that comes as you think ahead to the baby on the way. We slowly shared with family members once our doctor confirmed what the pee stick told us.

Then everything changed.

On Canada Day, I noticed some things. Worry did not set in as the symptoms I was experiencing were not unusual for a pregnancy. A few days later, it was followed by some light cramping, so I booked a doctor’s appointment. Just one week after the initial symptoms, it worsened. I knew what was happening. After an ultrasound, our doctor confirmed that the baby that I was 7.5 weeks pregnant with had stopped developing somewhere around 6 weeks. There was no heartbeat and it was smaller than it should be. I was in the process of losing the baby.

This news was confirmed on my last day at work. As colleagues looked for me to say goodbye, I was waiting at the hospital for the ultrasound and the news that our baby was gone. When I returned to the office to collect my things and say my goodbyes, the tears that were in my eyes were for a different goodbye. No one knew – until now.

When I shared the news of my resignation, many friends wondered aloud if another announcement was forthcoming. Little did they know that our baby had come and gone, and that those words reminded us of our loss. It’s not their fault – they did what we all do. Ask an innocent question out of love and caring.

I know this is common – something like 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage – but that was little comfort to us. The weekend that followed, I experienced the worst kind of labour pains…the ones where at the end, you aren’t handed a baby.

Why write about this? Why share this incredibly painful time with the world? Because over the last couple of months, I have felt such an outpouring of love and concern from those that I see every day to others that I only connect via Facebook or Twitter. Some have shared their own experiences of pregnancy loss (you know who you are), which have filled me with hope and helped mourn what might have been. Lucas, the light of my life in addition to my husband, has also helped me be thankful for what I have.

This blog has always been an outlet for me to share, to work through those struggles one faces as a parent, so why should this instance be any different.

It has been a slow process of healing. I am able to talk about the miscarriage in a matter-of-fact way but can catch myself in tears, as I did at two weddings this summer. The right song, a look from my husband, and again those innocent questions from acquaintances about when #2 is coming, set off the waterworks.

Our #2 will come – when it’s time. Until then, we think about what might have been, with hope about what’s yet to come.