F You Fatigue

It comes in waves. I can be up and about, then it hits me and I feel like I could fall asleep where I stand.

I haven't felt fatigue like this since my first trimester of pregnancy. But at least then I knew there was an end in sight.

Naps aren't 20 minutes but two hour affairs where I am as fast asleep as I am at night. If I don't nap, then you will find me passed out on the couch before 9 pm. On those days that I power through the fatigue, I'm in bed not long after the kids.

Some days, I feel like I could go back to bed after only being awake an hour. I'm impervious to coffee.

So if you invite me out for an evening on the town and I decline, it has nothing to do with you, but with the sleep my body so desperately needs. Those nights out mean days of short temper and exhaustion so I have to choose them wisely, especially since my day could involve chasing kids. I save my energy for them. They deserve the best of me, not the worst.

F You Fatigue

Would you hire someone with MS?

Someone pointed out to me, after I shared that I am blogging about my diagnosis, that it could work against me with future employers. Though it is illegal for them to ask any questions about illnesses etc., a quick Google search or click from my LinkedIn profile would point them towards this blog and my diagnosis. They could discriminate against me during the hiring process.

First question: Would I want to work with a company that wouldn't hire me because of my illness? HELLS NO. So I'd be thankful that they discriminated against me and saved me from learning about their true nature on the job.

Second question: Do you know me? If you have worked with or for me, you would know that I hold myself to the highest standard, usually above what any employer would expect. I am my own toughest critic and loudest cheerleader. This blog also shows that in the face of adversity, I tackle it head on.

So am I worried about future employment? No. Nor should I be. Any employer would be lucky to have me.

The Three Rs: Relapse, Recurrence and Rest

It's been three months since I've started my drug regimen and I have good news to report: no new lesions on my brain since between my MRI in February and my MRI in June. This is great as it means that since my two episodes, there doesn't seem to have been any progression in the disease. Hopefully now that I'm in treatment, we'll continue on this path.

There were a few new developments.

My most recent MRI included my spine - to benchmark as lesions can also develop there. As I anticipated, I have two lesions on my spine and one on my thoracic spine. How could I anticipate this? Ever since my leg numbness in the Fall, I've been extremely tight in my lower right back. Chiropractic and physiotherapy sessions along with yoga/pilates have helped loosen it a bit, but it's never fully released. So now I know.

I also was getting lightning bolt type pains in my left temple. I noticed it here and there, but tuned into my body one day and noticed twinges or bolts of varying severity about every 45 minutes. Think of a contraction in your brain. Troubling.

Luckily, I had my follow-up with my neurologist who informed me that it could be a recurrence of my optic neuritis (which occurred in my left eye). My eyesight was a little blurrier so entirely possible that it had flared up. More troubling is that after I left her office, I proceeded to get these pains in my right temple. In rapid succession. Stronger. More painful. That could mean a relapse.

What to do? I began three days of steroid infusions. We have attacked each obstacle as we go on this journey and I wasn't about to sit back and let it ravage my eyesight again. Thankfully, the bolts subsided and are far less frequent and painful.

However, it did lead me to question why this flare-up happened.

It has been a particularly stressful time both personally and professionally. Without going into details, I clearly wasn't handling the stress the way that I should. Was it the most stressful time that I've experienced in my life? No - I've handled more so I pushed myself through it.

I've come to realize I can't do that anymore. Every day, I am teetering on the edge of an episode. I don't know what might set it off, or how it will present itself. But I do know that there are things I NEED to do for myself to avoid going over the edge. Exercise. Nutrition and proper meals. REST.

I also need to reset my priorities and the standards to which I hold myself. I need to say no to some things that I may like to do, but could mean I sacrifice more of myself than I should. I need to give myself permission to do that and not have a FOMO.

So with that in mind, I'm off to catch a little snooze while Lily naps. And I won't feel guilty about it.

Another step forward!

Only two weeks have passed since we visited the MS Clinic, but I'm happy to say we continue to move forward.

I received the call yesterday from our selected treatment option's patient assistance program. If all goes well, I will receive the drug by end of week and start weaning it into my daily routine. This is amazing news.

Why aren't we mentioning what drug I will be taking? There are a few reasons:

1) This drug isn't an option for everyone. Several folks that know someone with RRMS are not on this particular drug for various reasons.
2) I do not want this blog to be seen to promote one treatment option over another.
3) I have yet to begin taking it. I may have a reaction, I may not stay on it, who knows?
4) This may not be the only drug I try.

Needless to say, we are thankful that we continue to forge ahead in our fight against MS. This drug won't reverse the effects but it hopes to prevent further relapses which can cause irreparable damage to my body.

Yay!

It's been a while...

It's hard to believe that I stepped away from this blog for more than two years. Blogs are hard work and one thing I wholeheartedly believe is post when you have something to say, not just because.

Many things have happened in the last couple of years. My business is thriving. We added another member of our family (#HappyLily). But the most recent change prompted me to return to the keyboard.

The original title of this blog was Misadventures of a Modern Mom. I've updated it to MSadventures of a Modern Mom. This is not by accident.

I have been diagnosed with Relapsing-Remitting MS (Multiple Sclerosis). It is the very early stages of the disease.

In the fall, I experienced numbness in my leg. At the time, all signs seemed to point to a pinched nerve, even though it persisted for several weeks. A little physiotherapy and it returned to normal.

Fast forward to January. After a routine migraine, I had what I thought was a persistent aura. I slowly went blind in my left eye over a couple of days and eventually was diagnosed with optic neuritis. This was a significant symptom that led to blood work and an MRI. The results of the MRI were clear. I have MS.

Thanks to the help of an amazingly supportive husband, some awesome friends and family as well as a family doctor who truly is an advocate for my care, I visited the MS Clinic at St. Michael's Hospital yesterday in Toronto to receive the official diagnosis and begin the path to treatment.

So how am I doing? This seems to be the million dollar question.

I am happy. Truly happy. I am happy to live in a city that can provide world class health care. I am happy to have a phenomenal support system around me. I am happy that the challenges I have faced up until this point in my life have given me the mental fortitude to keep a positive outlook and continue moving forward. I am happy that we identified it early enough to begin treatment that will likely see me live a normal and productive life for many years to come.

I am happy.

Breathing Room

This fall was very busy. Business was booming which kept me bouncing between projects and tasks. I thrive on being busy but I'm thankful now for some breathing room.

The only thing that happens during this lull is that the things I have pushed to the back of my mind (this blog included) stare at me, flashing like a big red light that I can't ignore anymore. I feel guilty.

I haven't exercised as much as I would like due to an ankle sprain (almost completely healed now, thank you very much).

My office looks like a paper explosion. I need to file things away.

I have a pile of receipts that I need to get into my accounting system for tax season. It now feels overwhelming.

I've neglected every day life. I have to remind myself that it's okay. All of these things can wait till tomorrow.

I'll let Future Jessica worry about it.

Baby Boom Bitterness

This is a difficult post to write because I know that several friends, some close and some far away, will think that I'm writing specifically about them. That's not the case. They are all fantastic and I wish them only love and happiness.

It seems that in the last couple of months, many friends have announced they are expecting their second (or third or fourth) child. This is amazing news for them.

However, it's hard to hear that news. It reminds me that we haven't yet been blessed with our next child. We almost were, but then it was gone.

This feeling sucks. I feel guilty for being bitter that we haven't gotten pregnant again. I feel guilty for being angry with life that it 'seems' to come so easily for others. I know that it likely isn't the case - I may just not be privy to their struggles. I feel guilty for resenting their happiness.

It is not any one individual. It's just a collective baby boom that seems to be happening around us that we wish we were participating in.

So with each heartfelt congratulations goes a twinge of pain and guilt. I only hope that we can soon share our own news and that pain and guilt go away.

Perils of Potty Training

We have begun potty training full force in our house so if you are in any way squeamish and do not want to hear about the ups and downs of potty training, thank you for visiting my blog, I hope you come back soon, but I would navigate away now.

We introduced the ever popular froggy potty when Lucas was 18 months old. No pressure. Just had it in the bathroom. He liked to sit on it and when he sat on it without his diaper, he would often pee, much to our delight. Then going on the potty became a pre-bath ritual.

His daycare provider mentioned that he was getting ready but he's stubborn, so if we pushed him, he could regress. So we just continued to ask about the potty, introducing different rewards systems which included stickers, gummy bears, mini marshmallows etc. Even Magic Santa told Lucas that his challenge for the upcoming year (2012) was to learn how to use the toilet. All of these things worked intermittently. Lucas even wanted us to call Santa when he went on the potty.

But it was time to move things forward. We had been stuck in potty limbo for at least six months, unsure of when to pull the trigger. Until last week.

I was shopping at Winner's and came across a very special Thomas train set. Knapford Station. Lucas is always pretending his trains are going through Knapford Station. A plan began to form.

On Thursday morning, beside our living room fireplace was a wrapped gift and a letter from Santa. It seems Santa had received my email that Lucas needed some encouragement to make the jump to big boy underwear. So Santa had sent along a special present when Lucas learns to go on the potty all the time and no longer needs to wear Pull-Ups.

There were tears and requests to open the present right away, but we stood by Santa's letter. Lucas was disappointed and angry. I thought my master plan had failed.

About 10 minutes later as I was preparing for my work day, Lucas came upstairs. He was asking to put on big boy underwear!

After a few accidents on Thursday and Friday, a very patient Grandma (who was looking after him Thursday) and encouragement from Mommy and Daddy, Lucas hasn't had any pee accidents in four days. He pipes up "PEE!" when he feels the urge to go, and can manage to hold it till we find a bathroom (case and point yesterday during lunch at the Science Centre). He even stays dry for periods at a time, like a trip to the grocery store or park.

I woke this morning to find he hadn't gone during the night and went on the potty in the morning. He just woke up from his nap completely dry. I feel like we hit the jackpot!

But we're not at the finish line yet. We've still got a poo problem but I'll take this little victory. We've got little poo presents - he will get to open one each time he goes on the potty. I'll keep you posted if it does the trick.

The Anniversary

No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why.

Love you always,
Mommy XO

It Was 3 Years Ago Today...

...I said hello to another love of my life - Lucas. He received his big present from Mommy and Daddy this morning and didn't stop playing until it was time to go to daycare.

Here's to a great day and a great year!

The Difference A Year Can Make

It crept up on me.

I was so busy that I lost all track of time.

But in a quiet moment I remembered.

It's been a year since we found out we were expecting. It was this honeymoon period where we dreamed, debated names and taught Lucas how to say big brother. It would still be another week of bliss before the warning signs that the end of our joy was near.

This is an anniversary that no parent should ever have to mark, regardless of where in the pregnancy (or life for that matter) that one has lost a child. I know everyone says it's common, and I had friends tell me the same, but it was little solace. For us, this was our baby.

With it comes another anniversary of sorts. The one where I left the traditional working world to take a risk on my own. I have a friend Kat that I follow on Twitter @bumpandhustle, who called post-pregnancy loss a "new normal" kind of life. What came before will never be again. So what better time to re-invent myself and my career. My life was in a state of emotional upheaval as it was, and I needed to press the reset button. And I did that in spades.

New business/career.

New house.

And most importantly, new perspective.

When I catch up with friends, many comment on how settled I appear. I like to use the word content. Sometimes life sucks, but sometimes, life can be awfully good.

I find peace in what I have. I am lucky to have it.

I am lucky that it's been a year on my own, building my business, and I've managed to pay the bills, meet some amazing people and enjoy every second.

I am lucky to have a healthy and happy family, wonderful friends and a lovely and comfortable home.

I am lucky to have come full circle in a year, experiencing joy out of what I already have without putting pressure on finding happiness in what I do not have.

I am blessed.

What to Expect - Not What I Was Expecting

I had the opportunity to see a sneak preview of What to Expect When You're Expecting this week thanks to Church and Dwight Canada and First Response. I took a dear friend and neighbour who is currently on maternity leave with her second child. It was a child-free night, filled with popcorn and root beer. Truly decadent.

Once we arrived at the theatre, she asked me if I was going to be okay with the subject matter. For some women, it can be difficult to be around all that pregnancy especially after their own loss. To be honest, I hadn't even thought about it. Maybe that means I've finally moved on - never forgetting but not allowing it to bring me down. When our loss happened, I was surrounded by different pregnancy announcements and births, and though we were sad, I was happy for everyone we knew that was given the chance to have the joy we have with Lucas.

The movie itself was not what I was expecting. How do you do an adaptation on a book that's not fiction, but a guide to pregnancy?

It looked at pregnancy through many different eyes. Some reviews have attacked it saying it was a bunch of cliches, but to me, it mirrored a variety of experiences that women/couples have. If you don't want spoilers, LOOK AWAY NOW!



One couldn't conceive and was going through the adoption process.

One lost her baby.

One idealized pregnancy only to have it be a hellish ride.

One hardly gained weight and had a seamless nine months.

One tried to control the pregnancy and not let it control her life.



When I look at my circle of friends, I have witnessed or experienced each one of these states. So it wasn't a bunch of cliches, but a glimpse that pregnancy is an individual experience. No two pregnancies are alike.

It was also funny. It may only be funny to those that have gone through it, but it was funny nonetheless? Chris Rock is a highlight.

My reaction was also not what I was expecting. After two hours of watching pregnancies and babies, I wasn't sad, but excited to go on that ride again whenever that may be. Likely when I least expect it.

Learning a Lesson

Let me first state that I don't know the family of Michelle Yu, any reason why should would end up in Vancouver or what transpired. However, as a parent, it's been interesting to observe both the circumstances and the eventual outcome.

Last night, Michelle Yu spoke with media at 10 pm outside of her home. When it was first tweeted out that she would do so, my husband wondered aloud why they would put a kid in front of the media to answer questions and face scrutiny. My immediate answer was that I believed her parents were teaching her a lesson.

It seems reasonable now that she headed west of her own accord, not under duress. She worried her family, friends and community. At 18, she could be considered an adult, even if her actions seemed childish. I remember as a kid packing up a bag to move in with my dad (or run away) after a disagreement of some sort with my mom. But I knew better.

If in fact her parents believed she should publicly apologize to all those that she worried, as well as the police resources she took up with the search, I agree with them. There are consequences for each action and though Michelle may have been embarrassed, she needed to face up to the chaos that her actions caused.

I watched the clip of the press conference. As a professional communicator, I understood the prepared statement she read, but I also recognized the shame she felt. It was honest and real. It is a valuable lesson that I believe her parents chose to teach her and one she won't soon forget.

Putting the Work in WAHM

It's been a while since my last post and that's a good thing. I was knee deep in a major project with a client for my business (more about what I do can be found here). I was invigorated, excited, motivated and energized about what I was doing, which is a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time.

I've written about how I found the transition from office to home challenging. A social creature by nature, the solitude was sometimes too much to handle. So I solved that problem with my business.

Part of my process is to immerse myself in my client's office environment. Experience and observe, audit and report. It means a change of scenery with every new project, meeting new and interesting people and learning about some fascinating work.

When I returned to my home office at the end of my observation period, I hunkered down for two weeks writing my report. This time it wasn't so challenging. The focus and comfort of my home office continued to fuel me.

The other thing I've managed to do is shut my office door at the end of the day and focus on my family. I leave work at the computer. And yes, sometimes I spend an evening or a Sunday afternoon tapping away on the keyboard, but that's out of inspiration, unlike in past when it's been a requirement.

I certainly may not be a WAHM for the rest of my life, but I've seemed to find a balance of both worlds which suits me just fine.

Frankie Says Relax

I've always had a tough time letting things go. I can relax - but in the back of my mind, thoughts sit. Sometimes for days, weeks or even years.

When I became a mom, it intensified. The 'what ifs' became paralyzing and panic inducing worry. I'm a planner by nature so to have this bundle of energy bouncing around whom I wanted to shield from harm was a tough life lesson.

I used to have a boss that would recite the AA Prayer for Serenity. You know the one - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and so on...

I have finally learned what it means.

It means that any mistakes I have made in past will always be there and I cannot change them. All I can do is learn from them and do my best not to repeat them.

It means that I am not perfect and never will be. So I should allow myself to just be.

It means that I will never have total control. I should just focus on what I can control and not obsess over what I can't.

It means that all things, good and bad, are possible. The important question to ask is if they are probable and gain a little perspective on those stressful situations.

I will likely battle anxiety all my life, but with the help of a great therapist, friends and family, I have taken a step back to evaluate how I want to live my life, grow my career and enjoy my family.

Just relax.

A Kindred Spirit

Since coming out about our miscarriage last summer, I have experienced a kinship from women, near and far, who have been through the same thing. Some have said I am brave for being so open, but I don't think of it as brave, I think of it as real.

I recently read this post on Yummy Mummy Club by Kat Inokai Pembleton (you can follow her on Twitter @bumpandhustle). I immediately re-tweeted and reached out to Kat to tell her how much I appreciated her post.

She has been through so much and I could identify with her feelings and resulting anxiety. I appreciate how much she has shared and believe she is the true definition of brave. She continues to try and doesn't give up hope. And if she can, I can.

Please take a moment to read and share. You never know who might need it.

Go Back in Time

Most of my recurring dreams involve being back in the one bedroom basement apartment my mom and I shared until I was 12. I can recall all the little details, like the original brown rug over the cement floor and the scary storage room off my bedroom.

I also dream about being back in high school, retaking my OACs to get better marks, even though I've already completed university. This includes me forgetting my lock to claim one of the coveted lockers in the music wing on the first day of school.

I often wonder why I go back to these times in my life to relive different memories. I know there is nothing that I can do to change what has happened in the past, so I wonder if my subconscious tries to go back to satisfy the perfectionist that lives deep within me.

I'm able to remember everything so vividly, like it's seared into my brain and I wonder, will Lucas have these same memories? Will there be stuff that he won't forget, or worse, forgive?

Nevermind I will have to explain to him what OACs are.

Working from Home - A Solitary Existence

It's been about six months since I officially started my life as a work at home mom (or WAHM). It is not without its ups and downs.

I am a VERY social person. Those who have met me in real life will know that even that is an understatement. So imagine going from working within the buzz of a busy office to a quiet house. When I worked from home on occasion in the past, I was very productive. I would hunker down and plow through billable hours. I loved the focus it gave me and how much I could get done when I wasn't interrupted.

At first, it was bliss. Then I started to get cabin fever. As a person prone to anxiety, being alone with my thoughts was not a good thing. So I switched up my routine. I recognized the importance of having a break in the day, whether it be lunch with a friend/colleague, running errands or treating myself to a pedicure. I also changed my scenery, working from the local Starbucks or taking over a desk at my husband's office.

Skype has also turned into a lifeline into the outside world. In past I've only used it for chats with grandparents, but now it's an IM tool and easy to quickly chat with fellow consultants also working from home.

As for the buzz of a busy office? Having some white noise in the background, whether it be the talking heads debating NHL trades on TSN 1050 or iTunes blaring, it keeps the house from feeling too silent.

Just like at the office, the to do list is never ending and can cause distraction. Taking a trip to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee can turn into 30 minutes of emptying the dishwasher and tidying up. It can be convenient to throw a load of laundry in during the day, but I have to keep it from taking over my day.

So all in all, six months in, I'm enjoying this new set-up even though I've had to adjust my traditional working style. My business has officially launched with a few agencies coming on board to work with me, which gives me the confidence that I made the right decision. Just call me a WAHM.

Toddler Travel

We have traveled a lot with Lucas. In fact, he has been more places in his 2.5 years than I think I did my whole childhood. He's been to Orlando (x3), Nashville, Vancouver, Tucson (x2), San Diego/California, Mont Tremblant and Ottawa, not to mention numerous road trips to the cottage, London and Collingwood.

When we first started out, I was very nervous to travel with him. I didn't want to be the parent unable to calm their child down should he start crying. I brought one of everything to ensure we were prepared. I was scared.

But our travel style has evolved as has my comfort level.

Lucas pulls his own Thomas suitcase that has his snacks, toys and books. We bought the lightest umbrella stroller possible and have a handy red Gate Check bag to leave it at the plane door. This last trip I retired his diaper bag in favour of a diaper pod (or purse) that easily clips to other bags. We load up the Playbook with movies and video clips as well as having the iPhone charged for games and music.

With every trip I have learned what we need and what we don't need, downsizing each time, hoping to diminish much of the stress that travelling entails. And Lucas has become comfortable with going on an airplane, train or travelling long distances in the car.

That's not to say we don't have the occasional meltdown (often when nap time is near), but I'm glad I didn't let the fear keep us from travelling at all. We wouldn't have so many great memories if I had.

Better Late Than Never

I have always been a punctual person. I hated being late for school. If I arrived with less than 10 minutes before the bell rang, I felt like I was running late all day. I like being early and settling into my day, appointment, or whatever the task at hand.

Then Lucas came along and suddenly, I was always late.

We could be moments from going out the door and a diaper explosion would occur, delaying us in our journey. Or a spit up. Or crying bloody murder until he got a bottle etc. Now it's sometimes a chase around the house trying to put on boots or jackets. Lucas can actively deploy delay tactics to keep us from arriving at our destination on time.

This causes me great anxiety.

I believe when you are late, you are basically telling the other person that your time is more important than theirs. I had a boss several years ago that would close the door and start the meeting on time. This is a practice I carried along in my professional life, as if I had started a meeting late, it was disrespectful to those who arrived on time. I've had colleagues say they often accepted my meeting requests because they knew I would start and end on time, respecting the other priorities they had in their day.

So imagine how I must feel knowing that this 3-foot-nothing toddler can now wreak havoc with my clock and the calendar? Now when we say we will be somewhere, it is often preceded with an "around" or followed by an "ish." We will be there around 4ish.

I've had to relinquish my stranglehold on the clock, recognizing that late is better than never.