Breathing Room

This fall was very busy. Business was booming which kept me bouncing between projects and tasks. I thrive on being busy but I'm thankful now for some breathing room.

The only thing that happens during this lull is that the things I have pushed to the back of my mind (this blog included) stare at me, flashing like a big red light that I can't ignore anymore. I feel guilty.

I haven't exercised as much as I would like due to an ankle sprain (almost completely healed now, thank you very much).

My office looks like a paper explosion. I need to file things away.

I have a pile of receipts that I need to get into my accounting system for tax season. It now feels overwhelming.

I've neglected every day life. I have to remind myself that it's okay. All of these things can wait till tomorrow.

I'll let Future Jessica worry about it.

Baby Boom Bitterness

This is a difficult post to write because I know that several friends, some close and some far away, will think that I'm writing specifically about them. That's not the case. They are all fantastic and I wish them only love and happiness.

It seems that in the last couple of months, many friends have announced they are expecting their second (or third or fourth) child. This is amazing news for them.

However, it's hard to hear that news. It reminds me that we haven't yet been blessed with our next child. We almost were, but then it was gone.

This feeling sucks. I feel guilty for being bitter that we haven't gotten pregnant again. I feel guilty for being angry with life that it 'seems' to come so easily for others. I know that it likely isn't the case - I may just not be privy to their struggles. I feel guilty for resenting their happiness.

It is not any one individual. It's just a collective baby boom that seems to be happening around us that we wish we were participating in.

So with each heartfelt congratulations goes a twinge of pain and guilt. I only hope that we can soon share our own news and that pain and guilt go away.

Perils of Potty Training

We have begun potty training full force in our house so if you are in any way squeamish and do not want to hear about the ups and downs of potty training, thank you for visiting my blog, I hope you come back soon, but I would navigate away now.

We introduced the ever popular froggy potty when Lucas was 18 months old. No pressure. Just had it in the bathroom. He liked to sit on it and when he sat on it without his diaper, he would often pee, much to our delight. Then going on the potty became a pre-bath ritual.

His daycare provider mentioned that he was getting ready but he's stubborn, so if we pushed him, he could regress. So we just continued to ask about the potty, introducing different rewards systems which included stickers, gummy bears, mini marshmallows etc. Even Magic Santa told Lucas that his challenge for the upcoming year (2012) was to learn how to use the toilet. All of these things worked intermittently. Lucas even wanted us to call Santa when he went on the potty.

But it was time to move things forward. We had been stuck in potty limbo for at least six months, unsure of when to pull the trigger. Until last week.

I was shopping at Winner's and came across a very special Thomas train set. Knapford Station. Lucas is always pretending his trains are going through Knapford Station. A plan began to form.

On Thursday morning, beside our living room fireplace was a wrapped gift and a letter from Santa. It seems Santa had received my email that Lucas needed some encouragement to make the jump to big boy underwear. So Santa had sent along a special present when Lucas learns to go on the potty all the time and no longer needs to wear Pull-Ups.

There were tears and requests to open the present right away, but we stood by Santa's letter. Lucas was disappointed and angry. I thought my master plan had failed.

About 10 minutes later as I was preparing for my work day, Lucas came upstairs. He was asking to put on big boy underwear!

After a few accidents on Thursday and Friday, a very patient Grandma (who was looking after him Thursday) and encouragement from Mommy and Daddy, Lucas hasn't had any pee accidents in four days. He pipes up "PEE!" when he feels the urge to go, and can manage to hold it till we find a bathroom (case and point yesterday during lunch at the Science Centre). He even stays dry for periods at a time, like a trip to the grocery store or park.

I woke this morning to find he hadn't gone during the night and went on the potty in the morning. He just woke up from his nap completely dry. I feel like we hit the jackpot!

But we're not at the finish line yet. We've still got a poo problem but I'll take this little victory. We've got little poo presents - he will get to open one each time he goes on the potty. I'll keep you posted if it does the trick.

The Anniversary

No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why.

Love you always,
Mommy XO

It Was 3 Years Ago Today...

...I said hello to another love of my life - Lucas. He received his big present from Mommy and Daddy this morning and didn't stop playing until it was time to go to daycare.

Here's to a great day and a great year!

The Difference A Year Can Make

It crept up on me.

I was so busy that I lost all track of time.

But in a quiet moment I remembered.

It's been a year since we found out we were expecting. It was this honeymoon period where we dreamed, debated names and taught Lucas how to say big brother. It would still be another week of bliss before the warning signs that the end of our joy was near.

This is an anniversary that no parent should ever have to mark, regardless of where in the pregnancy (or life for that matter) that one has lost a child. I know everyone says it's common, and I had friends tell me the same, but it was little solace. For us, this was our baby.

With it comes another anniversary of sorts. The one where I left the traditional working world to take a risk on my own. I have a friend Kat that I follow on Twitter @bumpandhustle, who called post-pregnancy loss a "new normal" kind of life. What came before will never be again. So what better time to re-invent myself and my career. My life was in a state of emotional upheaval as it was, and I needed to press the reset button. And I did that in spades.

New business/career.

New house.

And most importantly, new perspective.

When I catch up with friends, many comment on how settled I appear. I like to use the word content. Sometimes life sucks, but sometimes, life can be awfully good.

I find peace in what I have. I am lucky to have it.

I am lucky that it's been a year on my own, building my business, and I've managed to pay the bills, meet some amazing people and enjoy every second.

I am lucky to have a healthy and happy family, wonderful friends and a lovely and comfortable home.

I am lucky to have come full circle in a year, experiencing joy out of what I already have without putting pressure on finding happiness in what I do not have.

I am blessed.

What to Expect - Not What I Was Expecting

I had the opportunity to see a sneak preview of What to Expect When You're Expecting this week thanks to Church and Dwight Canada and First Response. I took a dear friend and neighbour who is currently on maternity leave with her second child. It was a child-free night, filled with popcorn and root beer. Truly decadent.

Once we arrived at the theatre, she asked me if I was going to be okay with the subject matter. For some women, it can be difficult to be around all that pregnancy especially after their own loss. To be honest, I hadn't even thought about it. Maybe that means I've finally moved on - never forgetting but not allowing it to bring me down. When our loss happened, I was surrounded by different pregnancy announcements and births, and though we were sad, I was happy for everyone we knew that was given the chance to have the joy we have with Lucas.

The movie itself was not what I was expecting. How do you do an adaptation on a book that's not fiction, but a guide to pregnancy?

It looked at pregnancy through many different eyes. Some reviews have attacked it saying it was a bunch of cliches, but to me, it mirrored a variety of experiences that women/couples have. If you don't want spoilers, LOOK AWAY NOW!



One couldn't conceive and was going through the adoption process.

One lost her baby.

One idealized pregnancy only to have it be a hellish ride.

One hardly gained weight and had a seamless nine months.

One tried to control the pregnancy and not let it control her life.



When I look at my circle of friends, I have witnessed or experienced each one of these states. So it wasn't a bunch of cliches, but a glimpse that pregnancy is an individual experience. No two pregnancies are alike.

It was also funny. It may only be funny to those that have gone through it, but it was funny nonetheless? Chris Rock is a highlight.

My reaction was also not what I was expecting. After two hours of watching pregnancies and babies, I wasn't sad, but excited to go on that ride again whenever that may be. Likely when I least expect it.

Learning a Lesson

Let me first state that I don't know the family of Michelle Yu, any reason why should would end up in Vancouver or what transpired. However, as a parent, it's been interesting to observe both the circumstances and the eventual outcome.

Last night, Michelle Yu spoke with media at 10 pm outside of her home. When it was first tweeted out that she would do so, my husband wondered aloud why they would put a kid in front of the media to answer questions and face scrutiny. My immediate answer was that I believed her parents were teaching her a lesson.

It seems reasonable now that she headed west of her own accord, not under duress. She worried her family, friends and community. At 18, she could be considered an adult, even if her actions seemed childish. I remember as a kid packing up a bag to move in with my dad (or run away) after a disagreement of some sort with my mom. But I knew better.

If in fact her parents believed she should publicly apologize to all those that she worried, as well as the police resources she took up with the search, I agree with them. There are consequences for each action and though Michelle may have been embarrassed, she needed to face up to the chaos that her actions caused.

I watched the clip of the press conference. As a professional communicator, I understood the prepared statement she read, but I also recognized the shame she felt. It was honest and real. It is a valuable lesson that I believe her parents chose to teach her and one she won't soon forget.

Putting the Work in WAHM

It's been a while since my last post and that's a good thing. I was knee deep in a major project with a client for my business (more about what I do can be found here). I was invigorated, excited, motivated and energized about what I was doing, which is a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time.

I've written about how I found the transition from office to home challenging. A social creature by nature, the solitude was sometimes too much to handle. So I solved that problem with my business.

Part of my process is to immerse myself in my client's office environment. Experience and observe, audit and report. It means a change of scenery with every new project, meeting new and interesting people and learning about some fascinating work.

When I returned to my home office at the end of my observation period, I hunkered down for two weeks writing my report. This time it wasn't so challenging. The focus and comfort of my home office continued to fuel me.

The other thing I've managed to do is shut my office door at the end of the day and focus on my family. I leave work at the computer. And yes, sometimes I spend an evening or a Sunday afternoon tapping away on the keyboard, but that's out of inspiration, unlike in past when it's been a requirement.

I certainly may not be a WAHM for the rest of my life, but I've seemed to find a balance of both worlds which suits me just fine.

Frankie Says Relax

I've always had a tough time letting things go. I can relax - but in the back of my mind, thoughts sit. Sometimes for days, weeks or even years.

When I became a mom, it intensified. The 'what ifs' became paralyzing and panic inducing worry. I'm a planner by nature so to have this bundle of energy bouncing around whom I wanted to shield from harm was a tough life lesson.

I used to have a boss that would recite the AA Prayer for Serenity. You know the one - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and so on...

I have finally learned what it means.

It means that any mistakes I have made in past will always be there and I cannot change them. All I can do is learn from them and do my best not to repeat them.

It means that I am not perfect and never will be. So I should allow myself to just be.

It means that I will never have total control. I should just focus on what I can control and not obsess over what I can't.

It means that all things, good and bad, are possible. The important question to ask is if they are probable and gain a little perspective on those stressful situations.

I will likely battle anxiety all my life, but with the help of a great therapist, friends and family, I have taken a step back to evaluate how I want to live my life, grow my career and enjoy my family.

Just relax.

A Kindred Spirit

Since coming out about our miscarriage last summer, I have experienced a kinship from women, near and far, who have been through the same thing. Some have said I am brave for being so open, but I don't think of it as brave, I think of it as real.

I recently read this post on Yummy Mummy Club by Kat Inokai Pembleton (you can follow her on Twitter @bumpandhustle). I immediately re-tweeted and reached out to Kat to tell her how much I appreciated her post.

She has been through so much and I could identify with her feelings and resulting anxiety. I appreciate how much she has shared and believe she is the true definition of brave. She continues to try and doesn't give up hope. And if she can, I can.

Please take a moment to read and share. You never know who might need it.

Go Back in Time

Most of my recurring dreams involve being back in the one bedroom basement apartment my mom and I shared until I was 12. I can recall all the little details, like the original brown rug over the cement floor and the scary storage room off my bedroom.

I also dream about being back in high school, retaking my OACs to get better marks, even though I've already completed university. This includes me forgetting my lock to claim one of the coveted lockers in the music wing on the first day of school.

I often wonder why I go back to these times in my life to relive different memories. I know there is nothing that I can do to change what has happened in the past, so I wonder if my subconscious tries to go back to satisfy the perfectionist that lives deep within me.

I'm able to remember everything so vividly, like it's seared into my brain and I wonder, will Lucas have these same memories? Will there be stuff that he won't forget, or worse, forgive?

Nevermind I will have to explain to him what OACs are.

Working from Home - A Solitary Existence

It's been about six months since I officially started my life as a work at home mom (or WAHM). It is not without its ups and downs.

I am a VERY social person. Those who have met me in real life will know that even that is an understatement. So imagine going from working within the buzz of a busy office to a quiet house. When I worked from home on occasion in the past, I was very productive. I would hunker down and plow through billable hours. I loved the focus it gave me and how much I could get done when I wasn't interrupted.

At first, it was bliss. Then I started to get cabin fever. As a person prone to anxiety, being alone with my thoughts was not a good thing. So I switched up my routine. I recognized the importance of having a break in the day, whether it be lunch with a friend/colleague, running errands or treating myself to a pedicure. I also changed my scenery, working from the local Starbucks or taking over a desk at my husband's office.

Skype has also turned into a lifeline into the outside world. In past I've only used it for chats with grandparents, but now it's an IM tool and easy to quickly chat with fellow consultants also working from home.

As for the buzz of a busy office? Having some white noise in the background, whether it be the talking heads debating NHL trades on TSN 1050 or iTunes blaring, it keeps the house from feeling too silent.

Just like at the office, the to do list is never ending and can cause distraction. Taking a trip to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee can turn into 30 minutes of emptying the dishwasher and tidying up. It can be convenient to throw a load of laundry in during the day, but I have to keep it from taking over my day.

So all in all, six months in, I'm enjoying this new set-up even though I've had to adjust my traditional working style. My business has officially launched with a few agencies coming on board to work with me, which gives me the confidence that I made the right decision. Just call me a WAHM.

Toddler Travel

We have traveled a lot with Lucas. In fact, he has been more places in his 2.5 years than I think I did my whole childhood. He's been to Orlando (x3), Nashville, Vancouver, Tucson (x2), San Diego/California, Mont Tremblant and Ottawa, not to mention numerous road trips to the cottage, London and Collingwood.

When we first started out, I was very nervous to travel with him. I didn't want to be the parent unable to calm their child down should he start crying. I brought one of everything to ensure we were prepared. I was scared.

But our travel style has evolved as has my comfort level.

Lucas pulls his own Thomas suitcase that has his snacks, toys and books. We bought the lightest umbrella stroller possible and have a handy red Gate Check bag to leave it at the plane door. This last trip I retired his diaper bag in favour of a diaper pod (or purse) that easily clips to other bags. We load up the Playbook with movies and video clips as well as having the iPhone charged for games and music.

With every trip I have learned what we need and what we don't need, downsizing each time, hoping to diminish much of the stress that travelling entails. And Lucas has become comfortable with going on an airplane, train or travelling long distances in the car.

That's not to say we don't have the occasional meltdown (often when nap time is near), but I'm glad I didn't let the fear keep us from travelling at all. We wouldn't have so many great memories if I had.

Better Late Than Never

I have always been a punctual person. I hated being late for school. If I arrived with less than 10 minutes before the bell rang, I felt like I was running late all day. I like being early and settling into my day, appointment, or whatever the task at hand.

Then Lucas came along and suddenly, I was always late.

We could be moments from going out the door and a diaper explosion would occur, delaying us in our journey. Or a spit up. Or crying bloody murder until he got a bottle etc. Now it's sometimes a chase around the house trying to put on boots or jackets. Lucas can actively deploy delay tactics to keep us from arriving at our destination on time.

This causes me great anxiety.

I believe when you are late, you are basically telling the other person that your time is more important than theirs. I had a boss several years ago that would close the door and start the meeting on time. This is a practice I carried along in my professional life, as if I had started a meeting late, it was disrespectful to those who arrived on time. I've had colleagues say they often accepted my meeting requests because they knew I would start and end on time, respecting the other priorities they had in their day.

So imagine how I must feel knowing that this 3-foot-nothing toddler can now wreak havoc with my clock and the calendar? Now when we say we will be somewhere, it is often preceded with an "around" or followed by an "ish." We will be there around 4ish.

I've had to relinquish my stranglehold on the clock, recognizing that late is better than never.

All You Need is a Little Perspective

All mothers worry. It's in our nature. Basically as soon as we know we are growing another human inside of us, all of our wants/needs become secondary.

One of the things I most worry about with Lucas is his language development. He didn't start forming words as fast as some of his friends who are younger than him. Sentences didn't come easily. His diction and pronunciation are not as clear. I know boys usually develop at a slower rate than girls but I still worried.

Then I looked back at this video in the fall. It was taken last Easter in our old house - Lucas's first Easter egg hunt. It's rather long but the most critical thing I remember is at the end of the video, we ask him to say Happy Easter and he just emits some sounds. He had very few words and that was less than a year ago.

Now he asks "What you doing, Mama?" and says "Thank you Mama for making dinner." It puts all my worrying into perspective that only several months ago, he couldn't communicate at all and now he is forming sentences. Yes, it may be slower than some of his friends, but he is still progressing, picking up new words every day.

Getting this perspective also helps me relax as a mom. Lucas is doing just fine. And so am I.

Social Media Saved My Sanity

Those dark, early days of motherhood are a blur. Sleeping, feeding, eating, changing diapers - repeat every two hours. Some days I didn't know what was up or down. I couldn't remember if I had brushed my teeth that morning. I would forget to eat (or I would choose sleeping over eating). The world was still going on around me, but I was in this magic bubble of motherhood.

Prior to the birth of Lucas, my husband gifted me with a netbook for our anniversary. With a 10 inch screen, it could be easily balanced on one knee. At the time, we only had a desktop computer, so his rationale was to give me more flexibility on staying connected once Lucas came. Little did he know that it would become a life saver.

Within arms reach were so many resources for me - and new mom sites pop up every day. Yummy Mummy Club, Urban Moms, ParentCentral, Baby Center and so many more had articles and posts that I could turn to in a time of need.

The most important of these were Facebook and Twitter.

Facebook allowed me to reach out to friends and family with questions and concerns - some of whom I haven't seen since grade school, high school or university days. We were suddenly connected again through this common bond. Friends of friends were sharing information via my comments thread so I created a group for them to connect directly (now archived due to Facebook's new groups settings - I was unable to transfer for reasons unknown).

Twitter also allowed for the opportunity to go outside of my Facebook circle and lean on moms all over the world. I still follow the #zombiemoms on Twitter, who trade secrets and advice at the wee hours of the morning while breastfeeding, watching over a sick child, or unable to sleep with the worries of the world on their shoulders.

The netbook was so easy to type and handle while also nursing an infant. I felt like I was participating and not just cooped up at home.

A couple of months after Lucas was born, I received an iPhone for my birthday, which allowed even more flexibility. At the drop of a hat, I can instantly reach out to so many lovely parents to bend their ear or share a funny story.

So for some expectant mothers who have asked how to prepare for the baby ahead, I've suggested they surround themselves with resources. Parents who have been there and can share. It will make those early days feel not so dark.

Just like US! Beyonce Edition

Baby Blue Ivy Carter joined the world on Saturday and to commemorate her birth, proud papa Jay-Z released the song Glory, featuring a little B.I.C. crying at the end.

I totally identify with the feelings of elation that Jay-Z documents, but it wasn't until I read the lyrics that I truly felt connected to this song.

He reveals that he and Beyonce suffered a miscarriage before the pregnancy with Blue Ivy.

I've posted on this site that many couples who face this tragic event know that it is 'common' - it's often the first thing that people say when they find out. But it doesn't make it any less devastating. A tweep I followed started a website where couples that experience the loss of a baby, at whatever stage, can share their experience. Unspoken Grief tries to eliminate the stigma around discussing miscarriages etc.

In sharing my loss, I've connected with so many that have shared their own loss, maybe even for the first time. So my reaction to learning about the loss that Jay-Z and Beyonce suffered intrigued me.

These are people I have never met and will likely never meet - but I feel closer to them. And I applaud them for breaking their silence and sharing their loss, in hopes that it will truly make women like me know that it can happen to anyone and it is truly out of our control.

It also shares hope. That out of that grief, they went on to have a healthy baby Blue. The baby that was meant to be.

Congrats to the Carter family and thank you for giving me more reasons to hope.