My Own Worst Critic

There was a time that I thought I had figured out what I would do when I was a mother.

And then I had Lucas and I learned that I am my own worst critic.

Lucas weaned himself at about 9 months. He had no interest in nursing, pushing me away but then gobbling down a bottle of formula when offered. Then I turned on myself. How could I not nurse him till he was at least a year? If he doesn't get breast milk anymore, am I failing him? I had to push these thoughts aside and put his needs ahead of my own desire to nurse him. Lucas was in jeopardy of not getting enough milk so onto formula we moved. And I felt a bit like a failure.

I make Lucas' food from scratch. I do get a sense of accomplishment in knowing that I'm providing for him, but I'm also convinced it's cheaper. A bag of apples makes A LOT of applesauce. But there have been times when we've been in transit, travelling where keeping homemade food refrigerated really isn't a possibility. So we turned to the jarred foods, sometimes feeding him only one selection just to ensure he eats when he's being picky. I admit it - again I felt like a failure.

Lucas has figured out how to stand and now pulls himself up on to everything. He woke up from a nap with a bruise on his temple. And I felt like a failure.

Maureen Turner, a blogger at Yummy Mummy Club recently wrote about how parents judge each other. In reading her post, that I am my own judge and jury. I critique how I raise Lucas every day, wondering if I'm meeting some impossibly high standard that I've conjured up in my own mind.

I have to take time to step back and realize that a jar of food is not the end of the world. Neither is the bruise or the bottle of formula.

Lucas is happy so I should be too.

Body Breakdown

I wasn't warned what would happen to my body after pregnancy.

I'm not talking about stretch marks or baby weight - I knew those were coming.

I'm talking about the aftermath of growing another person inside of you.

My knees and hips are not the same - a long walk, even with my insoles leaves my knees and hips sore.

Something is up with my kidneys - undergoing a battery of tests to figure it out. Not worried - yet.

My migraines have worsened.

Muscles in my shoulders and back are always in knots. It may be time for another massage.

I seem to have developed some allergies. Seeing an allergist this week to determine if my previous "no allergies" status has come to an end.

My eyesight has worsened.

I feel like my body took an incredible toll, with energy, nutrients and support in growing Lucas, and now that he's out, it's been left in a rundown, ragged state.

He's completely worth it.

Baby Tunes Playlist

On my way to the dentist this morning, I tapped the Baby Tunes playlist on my iPhone - this is the compilation I made to listen to while in labour at the hospital. I liken it to Barney Stinson's 'Get Psyched' mix from How I Met Your Mother. I wanted to listen to happy, high energy tunes while bringing Lucas into the world. The funny thing is listening to this mix this morning, it struck me that many of the songs I added were very ironic. Take a look:

Stronger - Kanye West (cause labour won't kill me, but make me stronger)
What Am I Doing Here - Blue Rodeo (what did I get myself into?)
Hasn't Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo (self-explanatory)
Baby I Love Your Way - Big Mountain AND Peter Frampton versions
We'll Be Together - Sting (kept me going till the end)
Bigger Than My Body - John Mayer (again self-explanatory)

In the hours we waited for labour to pick up, these songs really grounded me (as well as energized me for the journey ahead). I know many women need calming, soothing music, but I needed to sing and GET PSYCHED.

However, I'm sure my husband could've used some calming, soothing music when I passed out after a muscle relaxant injection. I had such vivid dreams of being at Cheers (where everyone knows your name) and having my first post-baby pint of Strongbow. But I'll save that for another post.

Fuddy Duddy

Travelling with Lucas is a whole new experience. The thing that became most evident to me on this trip is that I have become a fuddy duddy.

Earlier in the week, the Tennessee High School Band Education Association was holding their state championship at the convention centre attached to the hotel. Imagine hundreds of teenagers descending on the hotel, running around the halls, blocking sidewalks and generally up to no good. First, where were the chaperones? I remember on my high school trips, we would all be on the same floor and our teachers would walk the halls. Second, because Nashville has a juvenile curfew (excellent), the teenagers had nothing to do but loiter in the hallways. Sorry 16 year old girl, your boyfriend that you are saying 'I love you' to while chatting on your cell in the hallway really doesn't love you. He's just saying that to get to second base (or more).

I called security since it was past 10 pm and they didn't show signs of calming down. Security came upstairs and the fun stopped. Fuddy duddy. Buzzkill. Call it what you want but I have an early wake-up call and need my sleep.

Then last night, there was a rowdy bunch in the room joined to ours. Adjoining doors are not great sound barriers. It started in the afternoon and we had reprieves every time they went out. After we had put Lucas down at 7:30, they started again, then finally went out to the bars. Fast forward to 3 am when they returned and we were woken by their conversations (that we could hear word for word y'all).

After 30 minutes or so and two calls to the front desk, security finally emerged to tell them to shut up and back to sleep we went. Fuddy Duddy. Buzzkill. Killjoy. I DON'T CARE. If you wake me or my boy, you face my wrath.

Lucas woke up at 6 am and has been loudly laughing, chatting and whining all morning. Do we feel bad? Nope.

Karma.

Bumps

Lucas is crawling as well as pulling himself up on his knees by grabbing onto pieces of furniture. Sure, he's bumped himself several times, but nothing that a quick kiss hasn't made better.

We were at a friend's house about a week ago, visiting them and their new baby when Lucas pulled himself up on their coffee table. I was behind him, loosely holding him steady as he stood up reaching for a magazine. In the blink of an eye he slipped and bumped his chin, resulting in biting his tongue and a little blood.

Before you pick up the phone to call children's services, this was his first true injury, blood and all, and a few minutes later was happy as can be, playing with his toys.

Fast forward to this week on the road, with a vast hotel room for him to explore. As he held onto the side of the bed, trying to pull himself up, again he slipped, bumping his forehead on the bed frame (thankfully cushioned by a bed skirt). The faintest of bruises appeared but a little ice and there is no trace.

Again, please refrain from calling children's services. I do watch him and he's had his share of bumps. But why is it always that the bumps he takes when out and about are always worse? It's like a badge to notify everyone that you are a bad parent, when it rarely, if ever, happens at home.

I am a good parent. Truly, I am.

No Solicitors, No Junk Mail

There has been some debate on Twitter about mom bloggers being paid for their reviews or something of the like. I'm not really going to debate whether this is right or wrong, but it has got me thinking about any potential solicitations I may receive.

Full disclosure: I work in public relations. In fact, the agency I work for is very active in the social media space. I started a blog and now I am also a member, however loosely, of this group of "mommy bloggers" (I know some hate the term - please forgive?).

So what happens if I receive an offer to review a product, or participate in a service/event? What if I receive this offer from a competitive agency or from a company that is a competitor of one of my clients? Now, I'm not sure my blog is the target market for anyone out there, but seeing as I work in the industry, how should I handle an offer?

I've simplified it. I will decline all offers. Any product/brand/service/event I blog about will be because I simply love/hate it without prompting from anyone. Then those that know me will know I'm not promoting a client's brand because I have a soapbox/blog or because I was given something for free to test out.

I will simply pass along any offers I receive to the other great bloggers I follow - and there are many. And I look forward to what they have to say.

I Did the Math

I was avoiding it like the plague, but I needed to sort out how much time is left before I go back to work. A quick glance at the calendar shows it as roughly seven weeks, give or take a few days.

Sigh.

And those seven weeks are jammed packed with doctor and dentist appointments, play dates, Rainbow Songs and meetings to discuss my return to work.

I am excited about getting my professional life up and running again, yet it's hard to imagine not discovering things with Lucas all day, every day.

Seven weeks.

Sigh.

Laughter

Quick story:

Stopped at the ice vending machine to pick up a bag of ice for our room.

Lucas chuckled at the sound the bag made so I did it some more.

Laughing attack ensued.

Caught part of it on my iPhone.

Laugh along here.

House Hunt Update - Schools

Still no dream house on the horizon, but we've narrowed down our neighbourhood and now just need a house to pop up. Another criteria has been added to our list, again reminding me just how much times have changed - school district.

As we look at schools, I've consulted some of my close friends who are teachers to determine how we should view EQAO testing. Sure, we want to know that our local school has good academic standing, but how much should these scores factor in?

A couple friends have noted that socio-economic situations also can affect scores. Often times in certain neighbourhoods, you have a majority of parents that have been university educated, who work standard work hours, or can afford tutors, and can spend additional time helping their kids with homework. In many Toronto neighbourhoods, English isn't the first language spoken at home, parents work shift work (or maybe even two jobs) therefore may not be able to provide as much help. These types of situations do not show themselves in test scores. I understand how important it is to ensure that kids are learning at a certain rate etc. but with our multicultural society, are we also setting up some schools/neighbourhoods to fail, when they really are doing the best they can?

This is just broad strokes folks. I have not done a lot of reading or research on the topic and I'm not trying to take a political stance on whether standardized testing is good or bad - really, I'm more working through the thought process as I come to understand it from a parent's point of view.

On the Road Again

We've travelled quite a bit with Lucas. We've gone to Orlando (yes, Disney World!), Ottawa (twice), London and the cottage in Haliburton. When he was younger, and only nursing, bagging his bag was simpler.

Today I found myself unable to pack all of Lucas' things into the same bag. Now I need to pack his favourite snack (Mum Mums), a small amount of jarred baby food (just in case it's not easily accessible where we're staying), a tin of formula, then his clothes, diapers (yes, we pack those too), first aid kit, bibs, etc. This is the first time we're flying since Lucas started on solids and formula - and believe me, I'm not bringing enough food to last us the trip. Since he can now feed himself, we have a few more options if we dine out - plain chicken breast cut up into little pieces please.

I'm sure this experience will change how I pack for the next trip - but I feel like I just figured out how best to travel with the little guy and he changed it up again. Mind you, but the time we hit Disney again in November, everything will have changed again.

Keeps me guessing. And tired.

Nine Months On, Nine Months Off

I read that it takes as long to shed the baby weight as it does to put it on. And that nursing will help lose weight. In my case, this seems to be true but I think there is another factor.

I forget to eat. The little man goes down for his nap and I start on the long to do list of things I want to get down while he's asleep. Work out, laundry, a blog post, respond to email, nap...the list goes on and on. Often eating falls to the bottom of the list. I look up and it's 2:30 and Lucas is rousing from his nap, yet I haven't eaten anything.

I'm waiting to hit the wall. I know I can't go on like this. And the adage "sleep when your baby sleeps" doesn't really translate well to eating.

Maybe I need to spend a day on the weekend preparing snacks for the week, similar to how I prepare Lucas' meals for the week.

Or maybe I should get an IV?

Avoiding the Countdown

For the past few weeks, I have been avoiding the calendar. I haven't wanted to see how many weeks were left of my maternity leave and my time with Lucas. When people ask when I am returning to work, I say "June" which in my mind is three months away.

But I know it's a lot closer than that. I know that it's likely as many weeks as I have fingers on both hands (but I don't know for sure - not counting down!). Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to resuming the adult portion of my life, but I can't imagine only seeing Lucas' face for an hour or so in the morning and maybe a couple of hours at night. And what will my little boy do without me?

Today, I spent the morning with my colleagues at our "retreat," leaving Lucas with one of his lovely grandparents. The time was valuable for me to reconnect to my professional self and envision rejoining my team.

And guess what? Lucas didn't miss me. He had a grand old time crawling, playing, eating and napping. When I walked back in the door, he was more interested in our cleaning lady. Later in the afternoon, he was crawling over to me, snuggling up while sucking his thumb, showing how much he missed me.

I should be relieved that I have a boy that adjusts so well to us leaving him for a while. Hopefully it means the transition to daycare will be smooth. But can't he just miss me a little?

Suddenly Sensitive

Since the beginning of my pregnancy, I have become more sensitive to the things that I read, listen to and watch. I would cry at the sad little salt shaker who is out the rain, left off the family's dinner table. Certain songs would make me teary-eyed and I had to put down certain books if they had children being neglected or violence of any kind. My viewing/reading/listening habits have become light and puffy. Sure, I've always loved a good chick lit novel, but now, it's all I can stand to consume.

Now, I should preface this by saying that I've become more prone to anxiety in my adult life - and the weirdest things can cause a bit of a panic or anxious state. But I've never had such a 180 degree turn than I have had in the last 18 months. I no longer watch 24 or any TV show of a violent nature (likely a blessing). Movies are the same - only lighter, comedic fare seems to settle well with me. I've eliminated any "blue" music from my iPod (think David Gray etc.). When I'm reading, if it's not parenting books of some sort, then it's the aforementioned chick lit.

I'm sensitive to a child crying on TV - and am instantly disturbed and turned off of whatever I'm watching if this happens. I often have to leave the room. Early on in my pregnancy, I couldn't even get through Wall-E without a panic attack. At that point, my hormones were still bouncing off the walls, but I find it really hasn't calmed down since Lucas was born. A few other mothers I've talked to have experienced this same sensitivity, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm just a suck.

But that damned salt shaker gets me every time.

Long Live the Siesta

I have become a napper. I try and sneak in at least 15 minutes in the afternoon, only so I can function through the evening. When I don't nap, I'm cranky. I really don't know how I'm going to survive when I return to work and have to abandon my afternoon nap.

I think the Europeans have it right. At 3 p.m. everything should shut down so everyone can have a little snooze. I always find myself more perky and alert after some shut eye - imagine how productivity would increase, revenue would shoot up and morale would be high.

The Siesta. It should be a thing. At least on this side of the pond.

Turf?

I was out for a walk with Lucas at the end of last week and passed by a school in my neighbourhood. I was surprised to see lawn signs in the school yard - promoting the installation of TURF! Yes, this school yard had turf installed instead of grass. And I'm not talking about the fancy FieldTurf you find on CFL football fields - it looked like that fake green grass that my grandma had on her back deck in Kapuskasing. You know the stuff.

What's happened to grass? Have school boards decided that it's better to install turf than have a custodian tend to the grass? I know many in the city are worried about disappearing green space, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean fake green space.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Don't Mess with the Schedule

Having been attached to a Blackberry for much of my career, I am no stranger to schedules, calendars and appointments. But nothing prepared me for Lucas' schedule and how we will move heaven and earth to ensure his routine isn't disrupted.

Any class/activity that Lucas and I participate in must work with his nap schedule. We have become early bird diners, often dining out at 5 p.m. to accomodate Lucas' bedtime routine. Visits/appointments must fall in between nap times and we'll decline different invitations if it won't work for Lucas.

Some folks must think we're nuts. But when you figure out a routine, especially if your baby is napping regularly and sleeping through the night, you don't want to mess with it. When you change up the routine for a special occasion/guest, it can throw the next few days out of whack. Though I care deeply about those special occastions/guests, I have to weigh my sanity and sleep very carefully, as I am the one dealing with the ramifications of that screwed up schedule.

So if we ever decline an invitation, or are unable to accomodate a visit, please don't take it personally. We now have to put this little person's needs ahead of our own needs/wants. And my boy needs sleep. As do I.

The Motherhood Connection

Ever since Lucas was born, my social network has increased. It's something about motherhood that makes us feel universally connected to one another. I've resurrected friendships from the past over stories of our babies and development, made new friends through baby classes and found great resources via Facebook, Twitter and mom sites like Yummy Mummy Club and Urbanmoms. Even though I haven't met some of these amazing moms, I feel like they are my back-up, my go to guide when Lucas is giving me a particularly rough time.

I even started up my own Facebook group so these moms could chat with each other and benefit from another's experience. This really started as questions posted in my status update that morphed into a group where any mom can post a question. It's amazing that when I find out someone is mom, I'm instantly open to sharing so much of my life. It's a common link of some sort.

I'm happiest about how motherhood has brought people back into my life. It's inevitable that with time and space, people can drift in and out of your life. Since Lucas was born, I've had the opportunity to re-connect with old friends who are now new moms - and they have turned into cherished friendships. For this, I am most thankful. I'm always up for a beverage on a patio with strollers...

Exhausted

We're finally home after Easter celebrations with two sides of the family. As kids of blended families, we're used to having several celebrations around holidays, but today was especially rough.

Lucas woke up at 10:30 last night and wouldn't go back to sleep for about an hour. Repeat this scenario at 2 a.m. Though we didn't do co-sleeping when Lucas was a baby (to be honest, I didn't know much about it to determine if it was something we wanted to do), I brought Lucas into our bed to see if it would calm him down long enough to eventually be transferred to his own bed. Though he snuggled for a bit, he just loved being near us and was close to kicking my husband out of bed.

He did eventually succumb to sleep, but the damage was done. We've been walking zombies all day. Lucas usually is a great sleeper, so the odd off night really turns us upside down. I'm guessing it's a combination of growth spurt and teething - nothing that a shot of whiskey before bed won't cure. For me, not Lucas :)

Does 11 p.m. Exist?

There was a time when I would be getting ready to go out at 10 p.m. There was a time when I didn't go to a bar before 10:30 p.m. unless you wanted to be the first to arrive. There was time when I would see the clock strike 2 a.m. because that's the time I was getting home.

In my post-baby life, I am often in bed at 10 p.m. I'm not necessarily asleep but tweeting or on Facebook from my iPhone - however, I have brushed my teeth and am just minutes from lights out. I still see 2 a.m. but only if Lucas experiences an abrupt wake-up and needs some snuggle time before going back to sleep.

We recently had a baby-free night out with friends as Lucas had a sleepover at one of his aforementioned grandparents' house. We had a lovely dinner and went for a drink post-meal. After one martini at Fazooli's with the drowning techno beats, I was ready for home. We couldn't hear the people we were with, and since I missed an afternoon nap, I was fading quickly.

I truly don't know how I used to have the energy to go out all weekend and at all hours. It seems like a lifetime ago and now I have to rest up to go the distance on those rare occasions we escape the parent hood. Is this is what they call the Carlsberg years?

House Hunt - Baby Edition

We're looking for a new house - not "new" but new to us. We've been in our current home for almost five years and after sourcing out costs for a major renovation to expand our living area, we've determined it's more efficient and cost-effective for us to sell up. Lucas was a major factor in this decision as we would have had to move out for 4-6 months, in the midst of him starting daycare and me going back to work.

It's amazing how my focus during house hunting has changed from five years ago. I suddenly see kitchens or rooms that are poorly organized for a baby/toddler. The wine rack in the island is beautiful, but all I can envision is little hands grabbing and smashing bottles. The floating staircase is gorgeous, but where will I attach a baby gate? The walk-in closet/ensuite in the master is fantastic, but in making the third bedroom smaller, I see fights between siblings about who has the bigger room. Where will I put the stroller, snow suits in winter, toys, clothes etc.? Some of the homes we've been in would never function as a family home, and I'm convinced the families that currently live there have figured this out, thus why they are moving.

The other is school district and neighbourhood vibe - again, something we put little to no thought into the first time round, but now we ask what's the closest primary school and what is their rating? Are there other kids on the street (usually a giveaway with hockey nets in driveways)? Where is the library, park, arena? My husband wants a street where he can play road hockey with Lucas without yellng "CAR" every five minutes.

If anyone at HGTV reads this blog, I may be willing to discuss a great show idea re: a family-friendly reno show. But only as a producer - I don't do on camera since I now look like a harried, overtired mom. Speaking of which, if there are any makeover show producers that read this blog...

A Playdate? Here's my Mommy Card

A few months ago, the Globe and Mail had an article on Mommy cards. Calling cards to pass out at the playground when you meet another mom, with all the vitals for getting in touch to coordinate a playdate. What a great idea! So I went online and ordered up cute little monkey cards for Lucas.

I finally gave out a couple at Rainbow Songs this past week - and got a few snickers from moms I know. They found it amusing (and telling) that I would be so organized to have them. I know it seems old-fashioned in the age of smartphones and social networks, but with a wriggling baby, it's difficult to type in a name and phone number, and with the previously mentioned absent-mindedness, still be able to remember which mom/baby it was. And I feel weird creeping a mom I've met once on Facebook.

So the monkey cards are it!

Creepy

The douchebag husband of the couple next door saw Lucas and I today as we returned from our walk. He looked me up and down then commented on how I'd lost all the baby weight. Creepy. Gross.

That is all.

From A-Type to Absent-minded

Anyone who has worked with me (or generally knows me well), knows that I am a planner. I can do critical paths in an hour, oversee client budgets to the penny, have to do lists both on paper and in my mind, and am generally very organized. I wasn't always this way - I think it was the nature of the business I'm in that developed this sense of order.

Now my life is chaos. And I have a severe case of baby brain. I just returned from a trip to Shopper's Drug Mart where I had three things to buy. And I wandered the aisles trying for the life of me to remember the third thing. It was baby formula. You know, the stuff that I use to FEED MY CHILD. And I couldn't remember.

Now I have to remember to even write a list. Then I have to remember where I put that list. Then once I find the list, remember what I wanted to write down. Even with my iPhone, I must enter dates/events into my calendar immediately or it will fall off my radar. I know they say in many baby books that at first a baby's memory is only seven seconds long - but why didn't they mention that mine also becomes seven seconds long?

Non-sensical Songs and Running Commentary

After my last post about baby babble, I realized there is also something else I do almost subconsciously - sing. I've made up silly songs for Lucas about the things we do every day. He laughs and giggles and when he fusses, it is these same silly songs that calm him down.

But when he's asleep, or when I'm out by myself - I'm still singing these songs. I catch myself singing about how Lucas is so good looking and awesome (I didn't say they were GOOD songs). Or about how he did a peeps or a poops. I don't even realizing that I'm singing them till I see my husband give me this weird look.

I've also started to provide a running commentary of everything that I am doing, all the time. "Mommy is going upstairs, Mommy is going to the bathroom, Mommy is doing laundry" blah blah blah. Now when Lucas isn't in the room, I'm still saying out loud what I'm doing, again to my husband with the same weird look. I'm sure he's pleased that I'm sharing aloud that I'm going to the bathroom.